By Mike Kaplan (DefenseImagery) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson

10 July 1980, USA

"I kinda want to be the Reese Witherspoon of the music industry... the girl next door who wears a great dress and has great hair."
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Jessica Simpson Gossip and News - Page 3

Village Idiot for 20 Nov 2010, Jessica Simpson

The Simpson behemoth is Engaged

After catching whiff of ex-hubby Nick Lachey's engagement to Vanessa Minnillo, Jessica managed to force a proposal out of long time clinger Eric Johnson. However, rumour has it Jessica paid for the $100,000 engagement ring herself because her new fella is broke. I can see the proposal now, deli meats scattered on the floor leading to the bed with Eric on one knee (probably chewing at his restraints), he reaches out and places the onion ring on her knuckle, "Will you marry *throws up in his mouth a little*... God no! Please don't make do this." Who says romance is dead? Dare I mention the possibility of another "Newlyweds" show?
Village Idiot for 30 Oct 2010, Jessica Simpson

That's why everything's bigger in Texas

Ex-Daisy Duke revealed the reason to her current circumference - fried food. Jessica told USA Today "I'm from Texas, I like everything fried, which is the really unfortunate thing... I want it when I'm sad. When I'm happy, I don't think much about it." Unless you plan on losing your weiner in a feeding frenzy I suggest avoiding the whipped cream "dessert" a la 9 and a half weeks.
Village Idiot for 9 Oct 2010, Jessica Simpson

Fart Facts

Keen to cut down on her ozone killing contributions, Jessica tweeted about a new way to cut down on farts which essentially stated "reduce your intake of dairy products and fatty foods" Jessica's tweet reads "This link just made my morning! ... The average person farts about 14 TIMES each day!" Scientific research, now for 11 year olds and celebrities. Considering Miss Simpson's growth in girth I suspect her gas problems are here to stay. Time to stock up on sunscreen.
Really Stupid
Village Idiot for 28 Aug 2010, Jessica Simpson

Jessica from the Block?

Dim witted Jessica claims to have a "white girl booty" and would rather sit on her nipples, from what I can make out. Jessica told Closer magazine "I have a white girl booty. I don't have a big butt. I'd rather have a happy medium and take some off my chest and put it towards my butt so I could balance out a bit." Unless she's got some Hispanic heritage it's not called a booty, it's just called a fat ass.
Really Stupid
Village Idiot for 10 Jul 2010, Jessica Simpson

Economic Downturn Affects the Price of Beauty

Jessica's show, The Price of Beauty, is heading for cancellation after attracting a measly 1 million viewers. VH1 however refuses to admit making a mistake hoping in bed with Jessica and instead say "VH1 is in talks with Jessica for a series on beauty and image. We are here to stay with Jessica and are committed to this journey and this message with her about women, self image, etc." Fetch me another shovel, we haven't reached the bottom yet. There's no shame in admitting defeat, or telling Jessica to fetch a donut flung into the ocean off some remote coast while crew and producers make a hasty getaway.
Village Idiot for 8 May 2010, Jessica Simpson

Aiming High - Scoring Low

Jessica told People magazine that she wants to be like First Lady Michelle Obama. Jessica said "She's such an incredible woman, and she's with such a powerful man. Everything she does she exudes confidence" While the First Lady "exudes confidence" Jessica can scare men away with her trucker like belching, oddly no one admires that about her, I wonder why? It's good to know Jessica isn't contemplating The top spot, Hillary doesn't take kindly to competition.
Really Stupid
Village Idiot for 20 Mar 2010, Jessica Simpson

Bad Breath Blonde

Jessica Simpson, who recently complained about ex-boyfriend John Mayer discussing their sex life, shouldn't be involved with any sex talk considering her recent comments on her oral hygiene. Jessica admitted that she never brushes her teeth instead saying "I just use Listerine, and sometimes I'll use my sweater." She's obviously not to fussed about what's in her mouth, hence her previous relationship with John Mayer. I'm sure Listerine are proud to have her endorsing their product, her track record with others is nothing if not memorable - Chicken of the Sea, Buffalo Wings...
Really Stupid
Village Idiot for 6 Mar 2010, Jessica Simpson

Jessica Talks Sex

Miss Simpson has hit back at ex-boyfriend John Mayer's talk about her bedroom behaviour saying sex with Jessica was "like crack cocaine" and "sexual napalm" in a Playboy interview. Jessica has since been on Oprah complaining about John's interview saying "I don't want people to know how I am in bed." Sexual napalm - does that mean there's a burning sensation afterwards?
Really Dumb
Village Idiot for 7 Nov 2009, Jessica Simpson

Big Sister Jess Steps In

Acting and TV aficionado Jessica decided the world needed to know her thoughts on Melrose Place after little sis, Ashlee, was dropped from the show. Jessica said "CW catching up on MP.who writes this crap?i have had bad scripts to work with,but this?thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press" Take that stupid high ratings show, nothing will compare to the TV magic of 'The Newlyweds' - bad scripts and all. Melrose Place should be happy to have a member of the Simpson clan on their show, papa Joe even waived the normal hourly rate he charges when pimping out promoting his daughters.
Village Idiot for 19 Sep 2009, Jessica Simpson

Bitch Bites the Dust

The search for Miss Simpson's beloved lesbian pooch, Daisy, has been called off by animal group FindToto.com after the Malti-Poo was snatched by a coyote earlier this week. Despite helpers calling it quits Jessica is determined to carry on saying "Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say is it a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby...why would I stop searching? I'm a mom." This is a sad story that will either be made into a movie about a poor retarded person losing their beloved pooch or one dogs desire to escape it's deranged captor. Either way I smell an Oscar, no sorry, I just stepped in some Daisy. Damn coyote's.
Really Stupid