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Gwyneth Paltrow Gossip and News
Village Idiot for 13 Jan 2018, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow is Somehow Engaged
Gwyneth Paltrow has announced she is officially engaged to Brad Falchuk. The new couple released a statement saying "We feel incredibly lucky to have come together at this juncture in our lives when our collective successes and failures can serve as building blocks for a healthy and happy relationship," Someone actually wants to tie the knot with her? I guess there's nothing more romantic than two people getting together for the ceremony of conscious coupling followed by a lifetime of subconscious regret and self loathing.
Village Idiot for 18 Nov 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Losses When She Wins
Gwyneth Paltrow's infamous GOOP website has just won the "Rusty Razor" award for promoting pseudoscientific nonsense. The website famous for telling women to shove jade eggs up their vagina's and selling "bio frequency healing" stickers won this years award. And yet some poor sap out there is walking around, awkwardly I imagine, covered in stickers head to toe because who needs brains when you have money.
Village Idiot for 14 Oct 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Takes Her Health Hallucinations to TV
Gwyneth Paltrow wants to take her wacky "health" website to TV and create a Vice like TV series on health. Gwyneth said "I would be going into the field and talking to any number of doctors, scientists, civilians" All she wants to do is meet ordinary people to talk about health and sell them eggs for their vagina's. What's that you say? You have chronic pain? Have you tried a jade egg? This sounds like another Republican attempt to get rid of Obama Care.
Village Idiot for 2 Sep 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Comes Clean on Her Relationships
Miss Paltrow has been linked to a variety of men, including Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt and Chris Martin, over the years and has finally come clean about those failed relationships. Gwyneth told Girlboss Radio "I'm actually a pretty good friend, and a good sister and a daughter and a mother, but I'm at my potentially most vulnerable and fucked up in the romantic slice of the pie." The good news is you can now buy Gwyneth's all new Romance Pies made with real Tasmanian platypus liver topped with Uzbekistan sheep spit whipped cream from GOOP for the price of a down payment on a house.
Village Idiot for 12 Aug 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth is the Neighbour from Hell
Miss Paltrow has been annoying people for years with her crazy claims but now the annoyances are closer to home. Gwyneth has pissed off her neighbours with plans for a massive mansion that all her neighbours hate. A spokesperson said "She's created an uproar with neighbors on all three sides," going on to say "Michael and the other neighbors have tried to work with her, and they've gotten nowhere". If they're looking for ways to calm down I hear she has some jade eggs for sale.
Village Idiot for 24 Jun 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth is Done with Acting
Gwyneth revealed that she's more interested in the world of business than acting. Gwyneth said "I'm not sure how I'll feel about acting going forward. I'm doing just a teensy little bit here and there when I have time, but I am loving running my business". Basically she thinks she's better at dispensing dodgy medical advice than acting, and she's right. Warning, inserting jade eggs into your vagina will not make you better at business but might induce hallucinations.
Village Idiot for 27 May 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth is Open to Being Fucked
Gwyneth revealed that in business she's open to being fucked with, as long as you bring your A game. On the Fast Company panel Gwyneth said "I'm interested in criticism based on fact, not on projections" going on to say "If you want to f**k with me, bring your A game!" Those jade eggs she smuggles in her vagina must be acting like a set of balls. Get your Gwyneth Paltrow lubed jade eggs for $99 while stocks last.
Village Idiot for 1 Apr 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Knows Another Place to Stick a Jade Egg
Gwyneth's Goop site recently released their sex issue talking about everything from porn to anal sex. The site notorious for promoting shoving jade egg's into vagina's now wants every nook and crevice available for future jade egg purchases. I guess there's nothing Gwyneth won't do for money, just BYOL (Bring Your Own Lube), their Tibetan Yak Saliva Lube is overpriced.
Village Idiot for 4 Feb 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Knows Where You Can Stick It
Gwyneth Paltrow has moved on from steaming her vagina and is now recommending you stick jade eggs up there instead. However, as you might have guessed a few doctors have come out and recommended not sticking jade eggs in your vagina because modern science or something. I always wondered if girls had "family jewels", now we know. Anyway, the secrets out now, the next celebrity robbed in Paris is getting a full cavity search thanks to Gwyneth.
Village Idiot for 7 Jan 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow Takes Aim at Chris Martin
Gwyneth Paltrow says her ex Chris Martin would "take a bullet for her", whether he wants to or not I assume. In an interview with InStyle Gwyneth talked about her relationship with her conscious uncoupling partner saying "And to this day, Chris would take a bullet for me," Paltrow adds, "even though I'm not his wife." Does she know that after the divorce he removed her from his will? I'm pretty sure the kids are the only ones getting something out of this theory of hers.